Sunday, 13 July 2008

• I love my life. I love my two sisters. I love my husband. I love my two brother-in-laws. I love my Husbands family. I love myself.

  I never thought that I would be able to say that last one. I have always known that my sisters loved me. I have always known that I would love their husbands. I stopped thinking of them as in-laws. Now they are just my brothers. I knew from the first kiss as husband and wife that I would always love my husband and that he would always love me. But it has taken me 34 years to truly love myself.

  I thought as a child that nobody loved me. I felt like I was just a burden to my family. For years after I became an adult I never really grew up. I always jumped from place to place, living out of a duffle bag. I didnt believe in material possetions. If I had accumulated anything where I was I just left it there when it was time to hit the road. My sisters used to affectionately call me a vagabon. I loved that word. I was free from my family, free from the state and as far as I was concerned nobody would miss me so screw them.

  I loved being free from everything. I thought I was happy and content to just bounce from place to place but what I never realized is that I was always searching for something. I was so deeply in need of someone that would love me and never toss me aside that I did alot of things to find that person. I slept with numerous amounts of men. I lied, cheated, conived. I did what I thought I was supposed to do. I let men treat me like a piece of meat. They could beat me, rape me, belittle me, whatever they wanted to do. As long as after they were done they told me that they loved me and would never leave. Sick huh?? Well....that was me then.

  What I never realized until the last couple of years is that my whole family loves me.  They never left me...I left them.  They didnt turn their backs on me...I turned my back on them and never once looked over my shoulder. I figured that if they were going to hurt me then I better do it first...that way maybe it wouldnt hurt so bad.  I didnt think about how it made them feel to have me walk away from them so easily. It didnt concern me about how they felt. My feelings were all that mattered. They were just some family that I wasnt a part of.

  So......that is how I felt and acted then....

  Now....I know that my daddy loves me. He isnt the greatest at showing it but I know that he does. His biggest thing is that he doesnt understand me. He never will and I accept that. I will never be as close to him as his biological children but I am okay with that. I still talk to him on the phone every now and again and he tells me that he loves me and misses me and worries about me. I have asked for his forgiveness for the way I have treated him and he has given it and also asked for mine and I have given it.

  I do not associate with my mother. There are too many things that have happened between us to ever move forward.

  As far as my siblings.....well....I love all of my siblings. They are special in their own way. I only have very special contact with two of my sisters. They have always been there for me. No matter how many times I have showed up on their door steps they have always been there with open arms and a warm bed. Even when it was time for me to go they just seemed to understand. They didnt always like it....but they understood that it was just me. They knew I would be back.

  Now....I have this wonderful bull headed husband that makes me laugh when I cry. Makes me scream when I want to laugh. Makes me feel as though I have known him my whole life but I have sooooo much more to learn about him...which is part of the adventure.  He offers me Midol when I am bitchy and Coffee when I am grouchy. He is there when I need a hug and gone when I want to be alone. He forgives my idiocencracies and enjoys my complete idocy.  HUH??? whatever. I just know that he loves me.

  I feel extremely blessed in this life to have been through what I have been through....to know what I know...to love who I love....to be loved by all that love me....and to know that there is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO  much more ahead.

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