Monday, 29 September 2008

• I am in a pretty good mood today. I have had a difficult time getting into this mood over

  the past couple of days. My husband and I have thought for the past few weeks that we

  could very possibly be expecting a child. We were really quite excited at that possibility.

  We even went as far as deciding that if it turned out that we were really pregnant that

  we would move into a larger place. We live in a two bedroom now but one of those

  bedrooms is a storage-office space so we needed to have something bigger.

  So anyway....we decided that it was time to really know the truth of the matter so I

  went for a blood test. It was negative. That was a total blow to me!!! I was actually

  mad. I mean MAD!!!!!!

  We wanted it so bad and to be let down like that was just such a shock. I called and told

  Tony what the results were and he was just so shocked. He was really disappointed.

  The thing is...i know that when the time is right things happen. I know that it wasn't meant to

  be or we would have gotten different results. I have accepted that. But what really sucks is that

  I have had two pregnancies. One was unwanted and i gave that baby up for adoption to

  a couple that i knew would love him. I had my son and even though I wasnt expecting it

  I was happy to have him. It took me a while to get used to the idea that i was having

  a baby. I will say that when i tried to be a single mother, I just wasnt ready. I was too

  scared that i was going to mess up royally. I just wasnt emotionally equipped to handle

  taking care of myself and my baby.

  What i am trying to get at is that when we really believed that we were pregnant

  I did some major soul searching and realized that if we were I could handle it. I could handle

  taking care of myself and my husband and a new addition to our family. I also knew that

  if anything....God forgid....should have happened that would make me a single mother

  then i could handle that too. I knew that i would be strong enough for the both of us.

  That is when i really started looking forward to being a mother.

  So...thank you for letting me get that off my chest and saying what i wanted to say

  have a wonderful evening and rest of the week!!

  Later, Jeannie

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